a letter to molly mule

I’m sorry, friend…

for watching them chain you
and whip you and drain you
until there was no more fight left..
Until your eyes went hollow with shame,
until they snickered and said that you came,
until there was no more fight left.

You, voiceless,
you, choiceness,
you, you…
You haunt me to this day.

And I, so chainless
and so very brainless
can’t face this,
can’t fight this:
my silence,
their violence,
and all of my shame.

How I stood there and cried
while I watched your eyes die,
glazed over, not sober
concede that I hide.
I hide under the soles of their boots…
still stinking of booze.
Confused, misused,
no more of this ruse.

Their laughing, your gasping,
my no longer asking
my questions,
acceptance,
I watch your eyes die.

You, you, beautiful you…
Can’t you see that I died with you too?

Welts from their chains, still bleeding.
Snickers and grins, misleading.
My horror, disorder,
he reassures me
he’s taking it easy on her
beautiful her,
as if it makes me feel any better…
I’m queazy…
Diseased,
he reveals himself through fire.

You, you, demonly you
devilish you,
go back where you came from!
You are no longer welcome here…

But I fear…fear it is too late for her
beautiful her,
glowing red fur
with eyes like flint.
Miraculous glint,
I flitter for that glitter
that you tore from her eyes.
Cuts and bruises on thighs.
I say, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE.

You are pure evil and you are pure wanting,
it is YOU who is haunting
my mind and my dreams…
dreams I never remember
‘cuz the last time I looked there I found you.

I thought I could drown you
in tsunamis of sorrow
but I only swallowed myself…

Tomorrow.
So many times I have wished
there would be no tomorrow.
No more sorrow,
no tomorrow,
just your face in the fire
still there in the darkness
the darkness you put in her eyes
with your chains and your laughter
and after it all, I still carry it with me –
the truth that you stole the life in her eyes
because your eyes were dead too.

I hate you…
But mostly, I hate myself for my silence,
for taking that violence
without so much as a whisper…
Watching her eyes grow dimmer
as my eyes deadened too.

———————————–

I see now that we were all in chains.
Chained to that moment in time,
sealed to that vortex of evil,
and I tell myself you are the reason there can be no God
because what kind of father would make a son like you.

You spoke truth that night
with your face in the fire.
You told me it wasn’t just your eyes that were empty.

Still, it must be so tempting
to extend a hand…
to extend a kind word…
to the little boy inside you that knew she was beauty,
the little boy inside you who knew she was hurting,
the little boy inside knowing no one’s deserving
of being locked in chains…
Powerless to struggle against your abusers.
Powerless to shake off those who use here.
And she, beautiful she…
Where is her redemption?
Who is her redeemer?
And who are you and I to be redeemed?

There is no God but the one inside you
telling you that exploitation is evil,
that the apocalypse is your own death bed,
that your salvation is your choice
every
single
goddamn
moment,
that your mother and father did the best they could
with nothing,
that your people are a cancerous steward of this planet,
that the best thing you can do for yourself
or anyone
is sit on the floor and breathe
because at least then
you’re not destroying something beautiful…

Yet the God in your head must tell you
you are worthy of love…
That God must tell you that you deserve to be here,
for the beauty you destroy is the beauty within you…
and healing is protecting that beauty too.

There is nobody out there who can save us.
There is no heaven but the portrait you paint of your universe,
no hell besides the one that steals life from your eyes.

———————————–

Now, ask yourself this question:
Whom have I harmed today?
Then answer to yourself,
how can I make them better?
For you are the bringer of suffering
and the Messiah that takes it away.

Know that your silence breeds demons,
and that from your courage, angels spring.

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